Chalk Paint Hell

by Jennifer Farlin | Feb 26, 2015 | How To

I know in theory part of what I write about is design–but only because I really think it is a total downer to be surrounded with a bunch of ugly.  Also, it comes fairly easy for me to fix ugliness with minimum effort and expense. This being said I do not love DIY projects. I do them to save money.

I am impatient.

I am way too impatient for Do It Yourself.

I want it done yesterday. If we were in a job interview I would call this “results oriented”.

This blog is so not one of those step by step how to sites.  Mostly because I am, 1. See previous paragraph. 2. Not detailed enough (in job interview speak “I focus on big picture”), and 3.  I would die of boredom writing it.

However, I am in the midst of painting a piece of furniture.  I wanted to title this post (excuse me) #Suck It Chalk Paint but I felt it would be too indelicate for a title. Fourish paragraphs in I felt it was ok.  This is NOT the chalkboard paint that you can write with chalk on once it dries but a decorative colored paint–totally different. Chalk paint being made by blending a flat latex paint with plaster of Paris (powdered gypsum), and water. The resulting thick-body paint goes on (and I quote from Lowes) as easy as regular paint, but adds the look of an antique finish.  Since we are safely in the fourish paragraph I’d like to subtitle this post #Suck It Lowes.  On coat 33 I googled chalk paint blows how to use chalk paint. I was surprised to see there weren’t many hate posts about it. Clearly I am in the minority. I am ok with this, until I start receiving your emails and messages about why I am wrong. It’s ok, we can disagree. It’s only paint.

You see I don’t have 600 hours to paint one piece of furniture. Well actually I do but remember I  am “results oriented” and the only results I am getting is my husband saying to me, “You are still painting that?”, and my dog doing this:

Here is what it looked like after 3 coats that felt like 33.

And here we go at 5 coats aka way too many.

This is 6.  I call this “Dog Watching Paint Dry.”

I realize I am painting something that was once a light color–a dark color, and that makes this more difficult.  But OMG. Another aspect of this is that I have only painted the front and the side….so I STILL have to paint the top, back, and other side.  And what I have already painted still needs more coats.  And then I am suppose to put a coat of wax over the whole thing.

I don’t know what else to say, except maybe I will just finish the two sides I started and leave the rest unpainted. I will just never move this piece of furniture. No one will know. Except you, gentle reader. And I’m ok with that.